As the night comes to a close and I’ve watched countless posts being made about families celebrating the day and what they’re most thankful and grateful for... and seeing their families huddled together and smiling in photos that they’ve taken with each other...
It’s hard to swallow.
It’s hard to think that there’s happiness outside of my grief bubble right now... but I know there is, and I’m glad there is, even if it’s not the lens in which I can see my own life through right now.
Today was hard.
Not all of it was hard. But as the night started creeping in, it became harder and harder until it finally broke me.
The frustration set in.
The hurt set in.
The overwhelming feeling of loss started pulling me down.
The jealousy of everyone hugging their siblings in photos when I can’t hug mine stung and hung over me like a thick, black blanket. It seemed to be dimming what little light I actually do have right now...
I read what people write on his tribute page (that his two cousins and two church friends run) that I’m not allowed to post in because my posts “might be offensive to some of the members”... and what I read is just so... flat. It’s emotionless. It’s the surface of who he was as a person.
“What is the first word that comes to your mind when you describe Josh as a person?”
- Caring
- Passionate
- Deteremined
- Loving
- Giving
- Good to the bone
- Very Kind
- Creative
- Always positive and kind. That is why I am still in disbelief.
They’re right, at times he was all of those things. But what I can’t understand is why when someone dies all we do is glorify them and we forget to talk about the truth and memories of the not so great things as well. Because in Josh’s life... the not so great things WERE really real. It was hard. Sometimes brutal. Hurtful. Spiteful. Mean. Cruel. I know that people only choose to focus on the good, or only knew him as an acquaintance or a friendly neighbor... and I know that I’m just frustrated because my grief is complicated and theirs isn’t. I’m hurt. I feel like he let me down, and I let him down as well. I’m sad that I’m still so hurt from things that he did and said. I’m embarrassed by the lies and picture that he painted about his wife, kids, my Mom and I to other people. The more I learn about what our Dad had said to him when he tried to reconnect with him makes me so angry. “I’m too ashamed of of my choices to have the confidence to pursue a relationship with you.” REALLY?
Josh, HOW could you not see that that’s just Dad being Dad and yet another cop out of a relationship with you? You and Dad are so much alike... he doesn’t want a relationship with you because it’s like looking in the mirror at himself. He sees all of your faults as his own. Stop trying to rekindle a relationship that won’t ever come... not for your lack of trying, but because Dad is broken and incapable of loving others and accepting their love too. I know it hurts to the bone that he doesn’t want us; that he only wants our older brother because he can manipulate and shape him. It means that we’re stronger though, and we can stand up for ourselves. It’s OK that he’s not in our life... how can I help you accept that?
See... this grief is so fucking complicated. It’s one twisty turn after another and we’re in a car going 100mph on the s-curves. How am I ever supposed to start healing if there’s more baggage to unpack at every turn? See how easy it is to get sucked into this garbage... all this garbage I’ve dealt with already and set aside 10 years ago. Ugh. It’s exhausting.
Enough for now... I’m too wound up and frustrated to continue. xoxo,
the after sierra.
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